


Do You Regret What We Did?

by Kidfromthedeli



Category: Damages
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2018-11-07 19:33:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11065656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kidfromthedeli/pseuds/Kidfromthedeli
Summary: The line from season one that kick started the whole thing. In my mind it refers to a whole different chain of events.





	1. Chapter 1

How did it start? The same way these things always start. You get your dream job working for a woman you have admired all through school. She's powerful and charismatic and you fall completely under her spell. You've been with your boyfriend for seven years, you love him, you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together. Then you go out into the big wide world and suddenly everything shifts. You still love him, of course you do, he's a great guy. Kind, good looking, supportive of your career, but he's got a career too. Your busy, he's busy, there just aren't enough hours in the day. You come home exhausted, your head spinning with information and your pulse still pounding from the stress of the case. He's working late, he's a junior doctor he's always working and you know this and you love him but you need someone to talk things through with. You need more than a grunting response and then a lengthy rundown of his day and all the pressure he faces and how important it all is. Life and death, literally and you feel guilty and needy and vaguely resentful, which is wrong, you know it's wrong but you can't help it.  
It becomes easier to stay late at the office rather than go home to an empty apartment. It makes sense to go in early so as not to disturb him when he's on night shifts and needs the rest. You may as well eat take out with your boss at her desk than fall asleep on your couch at home without eating at all. She understands you, she knows what it's like to be a woman craving success and driven by ambition. She tells you stories of her early career and seeks your opinion and ideas. Even when she's driving you crazy with her demands and manipulation you know it's because she's testing your mettle and giving you opportunities to gain experience. Your conversations become more natural and unguarded. You guess that her own home life is lacking. Her husband’s work regularly takes him out of the country. Her son is seventeen and flexing his wings of independence in readiness for college. She seems content to have your company. When she suggests coming over to her apartment in the evenings to carry on working in the comfort of her home rather than the confines of the office you jump at it. It's a chance to learn from the master, an opportunity to impress your boss and a break from loneliness that grips you lately.  
David is distant and distracted. He's angry at you for the mess his sister has landed herself in. He blames you and Patty and everyone else besides Katie who true to form behaved recklessly, lied about it and then cried over the consequences. It's a mess, the whole situation is a bewildering mess and you need to work out where your priorities lie. You suspect Katie was the reason you were hired in the first place and you begin to wonder if Patty is playing you and you've fallen for it and she will toss you aside once you've outlived your usefulness. Then her smile is soft and genuine when you arrive armed with Thai food and a new angle of approach for a witness. She praises your ideas and expresses concern for your weary countenance. Soft music plays and bourbon is liberally poured and you find yourself relaxing. The conversation is not limited to work, she talks about her worries for her sons lack of direction. How difficult it is to juggle a personal life with an all consuming career. The anger that drives her to pursue her cases. You listen carefully and respond by sharing some of your own fears and frustrations. During the cab ride across town you admit to yourself how much you enjoyed the evening. As requested you text her when you arrive home. The reply of ’Get some sleep’ is neither personal or incriminating. You delete it anyway.  
The case twists and turns and you become mired in the investigation. Your colleagues treat you with open suspicion, jealous of your meteoric rise to prominence and affinity with their leader. Your engagement party is looming and you feel overwhelmed. You ignore calls from the caterers yet snatch up your cell eagerly when Patty rings at gone midnight with instructions for the following day. David sleeps on as you slide out of bed to arrange a breakfast meeting barely six hours later. When you arrive early at the allotted café she is already seated with coffee and pastries. Patty smiles and cajoles you into eating something that contains a months worth of your normal sugar intake. She is all business and radiates so much positive energy she could illuminate the city on this dull November day. You march into the office with renewed vigour ignoring the sidelong glances of your co workers as you share a joke with your boss. The day is long and stressful. Phil is in London on business, Micheal is spending the night with a friend. David is on call at the hospital so you agree to share dinner at a small Italian restaurant close to the office. It's quiet, there are candles on the tables and you drink too much red wine. Your face is flushed and you're talking too much to cover how you much time you spend simply staring at her. She still looks immaculate fourteen hours after you met this morning. Her shirt is crisp, her hair and make up still fresh. Your feet hurt, your clothes are creased and you’re weary but you linger over coffee and brandy because Patty still has important points to make and you like the way the tiny candle flames dance and weave in her eyes.  
Patty says she feels like walking. It's a nice night, cold but clear so despite the protests of your feet and the lateness of the hour you walk alongside her to her building. You're a nice girl, you've always been a nice girl. A good daughter, a responsible student, a faithful girlfriend. A nice girl like you offers half of the check and walks her dinner companion home. The November air is sobering and the short walk revives you. Your brain clears and Patty invades it completely. Taking over your mind and your senses, leaving no room for anything else. Your eyes meet as you reach her building and without invitation you follow her inside. You know what you are about to do. You know you are about to pull on the thread that will unravel your future and possibly your whole life and you don't care. As soon as the door closes behind you she has you pressed against it and you realise with a jolt that her desire matches your own. You hadn't thought about that, about how much she is risking or how much she has to lose. You expected her to have an air of entitlement or worse, she would appear smugly satisfied. You did not expect the desperation in her eyes or the way her hands are bunched into fists on your shirt. Her teeth scrape the sensitive skin behind your ear and your knees almost buckle. You kick off your shoes as your skirt is hiked up to your waist and she lifts your leg around her hip. She cups your sex and massages it, feeling the dampness of your underwear, sliding the material across your skin. Her insistent fingers move the flimsy barrier aside and you hiss when two fingers enter you without hesitation. Your head thumps back against the door as she drives them in to the hilt and then she remains completely still waiting for you to open your eyes. You grab her face between your hands and kiss her, whispering ’fuck me’ between kisses and she obliges putting such force behind her thrusts the door thumps and rattles in the frame. Her tongue is in your mouth and her other hand grasps and kneads your ass so roughly you know she's leaving marks and you don't care. You don't care about anything except clinging onto her as her wrist rubs along your clit with every stroke. She's breathing hard and you hear yourself whine as she slows the pace slightly to curl her fingers inside you and grind the heel of her hand against you. You grind back without shame or restraint because you are completely gone. So far removed from the nice girl you have always been you wouldn't recognise your own reflection in a mirror and you just don't care. Your orgasm is sudden and violently intense. You freeze in place for long seconds, your heart thundering, clinging onto her slight frame as the doorway supports you both. Her hands are gentle now as she unwraps your leg and strokes your quivering thighs. Your hand is buried in her hair, her face is tight against your neck, her breath hot and heavy in your ear. You finally lurch away from the door and you both stumble towards the couch. You press her down onto it and drop to your knees. You slide your hands under her restrictive skirt and take off her panties. You use your hands behind her knees to tug her towards the edge of the couch and you simply bury your face in her. Tasting her, breathing her in. You hear her gasp and her thighs fasten around your head. You push them apart impatiently and hold them open as you feast on her with more enthusiasm than ability. You move your mouth around kissing and nipping, you tongue her clit before sucking it into your mouth massaging it with your lips and she tenses and cries out within seconds. You let go of her legs, slide your hands beneath her ass and press your tongue inside her as she comes in your mouth, her back arching, her body lifting off the couch before crashing down limp and spent. You rise on your knees and lean against her. Her head is back against the cushions, her eyes are wide and she's muttering about God and Jesus. You hear yourself laugh, still in a sexual haze. You wipe off your face and kiss her again and again until she's kissing you back and holding you close and you don't think and you still don't care about anything else but this moment.  
The cab smells strongly of sweat and stale bodies. Strong enough to mask the smell of her that's all over you. You hold your cell like a teenager and wished one of you had been clear headed enough to have a conversation before you upended both of your lives for sex. Your phone pings as you enter your apartment. 

“Do you regret what we did?”

You send a one word reply before heading for a shower.

“No”

You arrive at the office early the next morning. Patty is meeting with the clients and you get a head start on the day. She marches in at midday and summons you to her inner sanctum sliding the door shut as you enter. Your heart thumps, your smile is forced and strained. She leans against her desk but the set of her frame is tense and her eyes are narrowed and wary.

“We need to talk”

You nod like a marionette and wait for something else. Nothing comes. Her eyes bore into yours and she takes a sharp intake of breath. You know she's thinking of last night. Her eyes dart around the office and you know she's weighing up the risks. She's been inside you but she doesn't trust you. You don't trust her either but you want her and she wants you and that's a start.

You arrange to meet after work and she spends the rest of the day ignoring you. It's so far removed from your usual relationship at work the rest of the staff smirk at each other knowingly. They think your time as the favoured one is over. You keep your head down and your eyes on the clock. The day lasts an eternity. Years and years go by before you are sat in a deserted hotel bar with a glass of red wine. Patty takes a sip and looks at you expectantly.

“I'm not a cheater.” Falls out of your mouth.

Her eyebrow rises sardonically.

“I never have before.” You finish weakly looking away. 

“Neither have I” 

She responds defensively and then lets out a mean little laugh at your expression. 

“What? Do you think you're the latest in a long line of conquests. No, I'm many things but not that. I've never been unfaithful to my husband.”

She watches your response carefully. The word ’husband’ rings in your ears like a siren. This is the reality. She has a husband and a son. She is fifty seven years old with a well earned reputation for deceit and deception. She is ruthless, charming, manipulative and paranoid. You have never been so attracted to anyone in your life. You are less than half her age. Your boyfriend, your job, the whole life you had planned since your teenage years had disappeared in less than an hour of brain melting lust. You are assailed by the scent of her, how she tasted, the sounds she made. So much for your game face because she looks at you and she knows. Her lips tighten into a thin line and she looks away. You suspect this is one of the few occasions that Patty Hewes has been at a loss. It only lasts a few moments. You can see the cogs in her mind start back up. She's going through her options and what your responses may be. You know what she's capable of, how she operates. You have never been afraid of her and it suddenly occurs to you that perhaps you should be. She looks cornered, dangerous and ready to fight. To fight and defend everything she has worked for and measures herself by. It makes you feel both angry and incredulous. 

“You don't have to worry about me. I'm not expecting anything from you or about to use this against you. I'm no threat to you or a problem you have to solve. I'll just leave, I'll walk away and you'll never have to....”

You choke on the words, gather your purse and attempt to get to your feet and stride away with at least some dignity intact. Her voice stops you.

“Sit down. Sit. Down.” She hisses the words out and pins you to the spot with those hypnotic eyes. You blink several times and swallow hard. Your nerves are strung taught. Your insides coil and squirm. You actually feel you are about to be sick.

“Spare me the dramatics and calm down.” 

She exhales in a long stream.

“What a fucking mess.”

“It doesn't have to be...” 

The words die on your tongue because you know it does have to be. You know you have to leave your job. You know you have to break up with David and you know there is absolutely no chance at all of developing a relationship with this woman who has completely taken over your life. It's written all over her face, it's in the set of her frame and it's in the words that are pouring from her mouth in a quiet tirade. You barely hear them, just snatches here and there. Mistake. Blame. Fault. Loss of control. Tears are falling and you have to get out, to get away from this deserted upscale bar and that quiet, deadly voice that is cutting through you like a knife. You hear her calling your name as you jump up and push through the doors into the bitter November air and onto the slick pavement. You hail a cab and ride home not even attempting to halt the tears. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s took months to get around to writing this.

You lay low for a week and it says much about your state of mind that your thoughts are more consumed with Patty than with the man you were engaged to be married to. The break up was bitter and awful, full of angry words and incredulous disbelief.

“I’ve slept with someone else.”

You don’t dress it up but you don’t expand on that bald statement with any salient details despite his righteous fury. The fall out rumbled on for days but the damage was irreparable. Just like that, David was gone along with the last seven years of your life. Your fall from grace is spectacular and complete. You’ve never been a disappointment before and the look of bafflement in your parents eyes hurts as much as David’s anger. For the first time in years you have no plan to follow, you have veered so far off course you have completely lost your bearings along with your job and your fiancé.  
Patty doesn’t call and you choose to slip into the office early one morning to clear your desk and collect your belongings. Tom surprises you as you are about to leave but you brush off his concerned probing telling him you were fired for insubordination, a credulous explanation he readily accepts. He tells you he’s sorry, and wishes you well, already concerned with your replacement. You smile tightly and hurriedly make your escape into the frigid morning air. It’s still only seven thirty and the day yawns before you. You need a plan and a job but you decide to start with coffee at a small café around the corner. You almost drop the cup in your lap when Patty swoops in with a bright smile for the owner. The smile freezes in place when she spots you and your small box of belongings in the alcove. She recovers quickly, gathers a cup of tea and strides over to sit down as if you had arranged an early morning rendezvous of old. Her voice is low but light and conversational.

“Don’t you think this is a little extreme? Tossing your whole life away for a quick roll in the hay.”

“That’s all it was to you?”

“Oh, did you think we were going to walk off hand in hand into the sunset? Don’t be ridiculous, It happened, it’s over. Come back to work, don’t let one mistake cost you your career.”

Patty is all soft eyes and fake sincerity. Her hands are the giveaway. She can’t keep them still. She stirs her tea, taps at w her cell, picks up and tosses down the menu. You can’t think straight. You feel foolish, immature and out of your depth. You can’t breathe around her, you have never been able to. She ties you up in knots without even trying. Her fingers fiddle with the collar of her shirt, then brush down the sleeve of her jacket. You know she’s not unaffected, not immune to you either. 

“I can’t work for you. I can’t even look at you without wanting you. It wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. I can’t just pretend it never happened.” 

She gives you a long level stare, carefully gauging your words. You can see her brain working furiously behind her eyes that give little away. You sense the lies forming before the dismissive words come out of her mouth.

“It’s infatuation, believe me it will disappear with familiarity.”

Patty’s self deprecating chuckle was bitter and mirthless. She tried another tack.

“If you’re adamant about leaving let me help you find something, I’ll make some calls....”

Your temper flares, you’ve always been prone to unwise, untimely outbursts and you’re not going to stop now. 

“I don’t want a fucking job. I graduated top of my class at Columbia. I turned down the most prestigious firm in the city for a chance to work for you. I don’t need buying off, I’m already out of your life. I haven’t told a soul and I’m not going to, I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

You stop yourself from getting to your feet and stomping out like a child having a tantrum although the urge to get away is overwhelming, you want her to feel as uncomfortable as you do. It works, something akin to pain flickers across her face, so fleeting you almost miss it. You know you are good at what you do. You are a good lawyer, perhaps you could be a great one. That awareness to spot the smallest of signs, the slightest shift in a persons demeanour is an innate ability to both of you. Your anger dissipates as you see a chink in her armour. You realise she is hurting too. She’s confused because she wants to brush this off as inconsequential, a blip on her radar and she doesn’t understand why she can’t. You seize the moment the same way you have seized every opportunity that has come your way since you were a child. 

“Look, I’m sorry I got so angry. The last few days have been awful, I’ve broke up with David, my job has gone. You’ve turned my life on it’s head and I barely know who I am anymore.”

You see her glance around furtively to check no one is watching which means she’s listening. She wants to hear this. You take a deep breath and an enormous risk. It feels like throwing yourself off a cliff. 

“I have feelings for you that go a lot deeper than ‘a quick roll in the hay’.”

There, it was out. The words gather and hover in the air between you. You barely breathe for fear of disturbing them. You want them to hover. You want them to sink in.

She dips her head and blinks slowly before catching you in that hypnotic gaze, then she surprises you. She leans back in her chair and her lips quirk into that small sideways smile you’ve grown to know so well. You have no idea what’s coming next. You have no real idea of what you want to come next. She’s almost three decades older than you are. She’s married and has a high profile career. It has potential disaster for both of you written all over it. You could not have picked a more unobtainable, unsuitable person if you tried. But you don’t get to choose who you fall in love with. You’ve never understood that more fully than you do right at this moment. 

She speaks so quietly you have to lean in to hear the words. 

“You’re a smart girl Ellen. The smart thing to do now would be to pick up that box, walk out of here and keep on walking.”

You let a few beats of silence go by. It’s so quiet suddenly your could hear a pin drop. Then cups clatter, you hear an order for breakfast and the electronic beep of the cash register. Life moves on.

“Really?” You raise your eyebrows impudently although your knees are juddering under the table with nerves. “I think I’ll have another coffee, what about you Patty, more tea?”

Her smile widens though she makes an effort to contain it.

“It’s my firm, who’s going to call me on being late in?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I’ll carry on. See if they get to walk off together into the sunset.


	3. Chapter 3

Strangely neither of you have much to say for the next thirty minutes as the drinks are consumed and you both frantically try to work out the terms of this silently brokered agreement in your minds. You chance a look at her but her face has closed off completely now, although her posture seems more relaxed than before. She glances at her watch and gathers her purse.

“Some of us have work to do.” She murmurs pointedly but without malice and takes a step a way. The “I’ll call you soon.” Is uttered so quietly you almost miss it. Patty stalks away and exchanges pleasantries with the owner. The door opens and she’s gone. You shiver and notice the sudden chill as if she has taken all the warmth out of the room with her. 

Weeks go by and you hear nothing. You consider it some sort of test and busy yourself with the pressing matter of finding employment. You contact everyone you can think of and seriously consider calling Hollis Nye before you receive a surprising offer from the DA’s office. Of course you’ve heard all the horror stories about the appalling workload, less than stellar salary and tiresome politics but you are wary of disappearing into the confines of a huge corporate firm where working your way to prominence could take years. You have never been afraid of hard work and you speculate that a two year to three year tenure should give you a broad groundwork of experience bumping you several rungs up the career ladder. You attend the virtual formality of the interview where you brief spell at Hewes and associates raises eyebrows. They seem satisfied by your explanation of a conflict of interests arising due to a family member being a witness in Patty’s crusade against Arthur Frobisher. You are careful neither to praise nor condemn your aprevious employer. Patty is loathed by many and distrusted by even more. You limit your comments to professional respect for her reputation and work ethic. You find yourself hired and have a week to prepare yourself for the bear pit you are about to enter. You have an awkward encounter with David as he returns to clear the remains of his belongings from the apartment. The man you saw yourself spending your life with now seems like a petulant boy. He still wants to argue and cast blame. You can accept that but the guilt you feel is already being tempered by your doubts over the rosy future you had once imagined. Your refusal to argue fuels his anger and the overwhelming feeling you have when the door slams behind him is one of relief. Patty picks that exact moment to call and though you try she hears the tremor and false brightness in your voice. 

“Is everything alright Ellen?” 

You hear the suspicious wariness in her voice and sense she is about to hang up. You speak hurriedly. 

“It’s fine. It’s not you. David was just here.”

“Oh I see...”

“No you don’t see. He came by to pick up the remains of his stuff. He’s gone. It’s over, I told you that.”

You try for brisk and business like and you can tell by the silence on the other end that you failed miserably.

“You know I wasn’t going to call. Nothing good can come out of this. You think your life is a mess now? Give it six months. Secrets, lies, and a job at the DA’s office that’s a terrible combination.”

“How do you know about the job?”

“Jesus Ellen, Curtis Gates rang me himself. He was overjoyed to steal, and I quote..’one of my toys’. I’m happy to hear you were so complimentary of my work ethic. Don’t worry I was equally complimentary about you. In fact, I told him you were multi talented.”

You smile despite yourself and you know she picks up on it from miles across town. 

“When you come over here I’ll show you exactly how multi talented I can be. I can multi task too...”

“I don’t doubt it.”

She hangs up and your smile widens.

You start work and are immediately crushed under a massive caseload and navigating a learning curve as steep as Everest. You manage because you are good enough and besides, nothing could compete with those first harrowing weeks at Hewes and associates. Adrenaline pumps through your system constantly and when you return to an empty apartment night after night you find sleep hard to come by. You lull yourself off with thoughts of Patty flickering through your mind and the life of secrets and lies she promises. 

Another month goes by. Patty is making you wait but you have become more practiced in the art of patience. As a child you yearned for each next milestone. High school, college, law school. They all loomed ahead waiting to be ticked off your list. Your first kiss, first boyfriend, losing your virginity, you wanted it all. You could barely wait for each new experience to arrive before moving on to the next one. Now you are older you have learned to savour the waiting, to enjoy the anticipation rather than rushing headlong towards your goals. You wonder if Patty knows that she is your end game. You doubt it. She is still dismissive of your age, too believing that this is a mere fixation. A sexual attraction that can be fucked away. You are determined to prove her wrong, you know her. Well, you know her better than she thinks you do. You know running after her will only drive her further away. So you work and you wait and you sleep little. 

The Frobisher case is making waves in the press. You take a panicked call off a severely rattled Katie whose life is disintegrating as she drowns beneath the weight of her deception and depth of her paranoia. She believes she is being followed and harassed. You advise her to go back to Patty and come clean about everything she knows. You endure the open suspicion of your new colleagues and constant probing about Patty and her more unorthodox practices. You wave it off and keep your head buried in the mire of the conveyor belt justice system you are trying to find your place in. It’s hard and just as you are feeling overwhelmed with it all Patty calls and invites you to dinner. You arrange to meet at a Japanese place a twenty minute cab ride away from your office. Far enough for discretion without being blatant about the need for it. When you arrive you are pleasantly surprised. It’s obviously well established and select. Patty is already sat in an alcoved booth chatting amiably away with the smartly attired server. She stands politely to greet you and the waiter pulls out your chair. Once you settle and she orders wine you get your first look at her in months. Her features are too strong to be beautiful, too severe for pretty. You decided her striking looks and charismatic persona make her so attractive. She steals the air from your lungs. Your heart rate picks up and your eyes can’t tear themselves away. It can’t be healthy to want something so badly. Her eyes scan over your face and she quickly looks away. A flush appears on her neck and travels upwards. You track it’s progress until she coughs lightly.

“Are you absolutely sure this is what you want? I’m not offering you anything except the occasional meet up like tonight.”

“I’m a big girl Patty. I know what I’m agreeing to. Besides, I’m busy, work is crazy right now. I don’t have time for anything else.”

That leads you nicely away from the current minefield and into a discussion of the shambolic state of the DA’s office and the politics that feature above the actual job. As you expect Patty has plenty to say on the subject between mouthfuls and two hours and two courses pass in seconds. You pass on dessert and opt for an excellent brandy while Patty has both. She frowns when she looks at her watch and states an early start in the morning. You frantically try to cover the disappointment of a curtailed evening. You were hoping for much more. Her smile is knowing as she bids you goodnight. No inquiry as to how you are getting home or arrangement to meet again. 

“I never said thank you for sending Katie Connor back to my door. That couldn’t have been an easy decision.”

She sweeps out and you order another drink. You sit quietly for a long time, sipping your drink and silently cursing Patty Hewes.


End file.
